"Having it all": Careers with a family

Sarah Witney • 5/12/2025

Photo credit Sarah Witney

Summary: Having a baby during grad school taught me a lot about balancing family, dreams, and values. It wasn’t easy—but it was worth it. Here’s what I learned.

Before I had a child, I was exposed to a lot of different ideas about what motherhood would be like. As a woman from a conservative religious background, there was often an expectation that I would stay at home full-time. While I respected that choice and sometimes even envied those who felt satisfied in that role, I came to realize that my personal fulfillment didn’t have to come from fitting into a certain mold. I love being a mom, and I believe it’s the most important thing in my life—but I also believe that being a good mom doesn’t mean my dreams or influence should be confined to the home. On a similar vein, I don't believe good fathers are required to be confined to work outside the home. I think there is more nuance to this dynamic than we sometimes hear about. 

Ultimately, I decided that being a good parent and building a fulfilling life didn’t have to mean giving up other passions and contributions. I found a way to embrace my work and career while remaining a devoted mom. I wanted to be a role model for my daughter, showing her that she can pursue her dreams and have an impact on the world, regardless of the path she chooses. For me, that path was to continue my education, pursue my career, and seek a balance that worked for my family and me—not necessarily what others expected of me.

Now that I have a daughter, I want to teach her that she can be anything—and that she should shoot for the stars. I want to model what it looks like to engage in societal issues, learn and grow, contribute, and serve. And no matter what she chooses in life—even if she feels drawn to stay home with kids, as I once expected I would—I want her to know she can be a powerful force for good.

This vision is what gave me the courage to have a baby during grad school and stick with the degree. It’s also what carried me through some of the hardest, most overwhelming days of those two years. Balancing a baby and two graduate programs—since my husband was in school too—wasn’t glamorous. It was exhausting. But it was also full of moments that reshaped how I view success, parenthood, and the kind of life I want to build.

Here are a few lessons I’ve learned along the way.

The Ideals Are Beautiful—But the Logistics Are Hard

When my daughter was born, I was quickly reminded that values and ideals are important—but they don’t make the logistics easy. My husband and I were committed to building a family and pursuing our education and careers. But society often assumes that one parent—usually the mother—will stay home.

From childcare and finances to class schedules and housing, juggling grad school with a baby was a huge challenge. There were moments I seriously thought about giving up.

So, where does that leave us?

In my own life, I’ve found that yes—you can “have it all”. But you can’t have everything.

What I Learned in Grad School with a Baby

I got pregnant right as I started my master’s program. My baby turned one shortly after I graduated. It was a wild ride—but I came away with a few important lessons:

1. Family is the most important thing.

Nothing replaces human connection. Whether it’s friends, a partner, or children, those relationships matter more than anything else. That doesn’t mean parenting has to be Pinterest-perfect. In fact, that kind of pressure can backfire. Your presence, not your perfection, is what matters.

2. Accept help—and ask for it.

We didn’t have consistent childcare during grad school. My husband and I took turns watching the baby and relied on friends who generously offered free babysitting when things got really tough. Some people volunteered without being asked. Others responded when we reached out.

Asking wasn’t easy—it often felt uncomfortable. But by accepting others’ desire to help, we built deeper relationships, gave our daughter a chance to socialize, and got through our toughest semesters. This won’t be everyone’s experience, but it showed me that help is out there—and it’s okay to accept it, in whatever form it may take for you. 

3. Every setup has benefits.

There were definitely times I wished we had regular childcare, or a parent who stayed home full-time. It would have been hugely helpful as we raced to meet deadlines. But being with my daughter every day also meant I didn’t miss a single big milestone. Every family’s situation is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all. With childcare, you can be fully present when you're home. Without it, you might multitask—but you can take more breaks and be around throughout the day.

4. “Satisficing” is a superpower.

I learned to let go of unnecessary pressure. Yes, I care deeply about doing good work—especially in academics. I don’t put my name on anything I don’t believe in. But that doesn’t mean every project needs to be perfect, color-coded, and beautifully designed. Some things just need to get done, not be polished to the nth degree.

I began asking myself, What is truly necessary? Then I did that. I didn’t always stick to it perfectly, but I made a habit of recentering when I got sidetracked.

5. Plan for delays.

Research always takes longer than expected—even under ideal circumstances. With a baby? Even more so. It’s important to think about how fast you want to move, because there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Sometimes moving quickly works; sometimes slowing down does.

In my case, I decided to stick with my cohort and graduate on time. It wasn’t easy, and there were plenty of unexpected delays. In the end, I was pushing hard to finish and only got approval for graduation the day before the ceremony. Most of the delays were out of my control—technical issues and others' timelines—but it was still my responsibility to navigate them. If I hadn’t started early, there’s no way I would have made it. The key takeaway? Expect delays and plan accordingly. Start early, don’t overpromise (especially on the less important stuff), and focus on what truly matters.

6. Trust yourself.

People will tell you that you can’t do things. They’ll question your decisions, even with good intentions. But you have to trust your own vision. Take feedback. talk it over. Reflect. Pray, if that’s part of your process. But ultimately, you make the call—and you live with the outcome. It’s okay to make mistakes. Own them and move forward.

So... Can you Really Have It All?

Yes—but it requires letting go of some things.

You have to give up distraction. You’ll fall into it sometimes—everyone does—but keep coming back to what you value.

You have to let go of self-doubt. Again, it will creep in. That’s normal. But don’t let it steer your life.

And you have stop outsourcing your decisions—to others’ expectations, to cultural scripts, or to the noise of social media. Keep trying at it. 

At the end of the day, women—and men—can be devoted parents and contribute meaningfully to the world. It won’t be easy. But if you trust yourself, focus on what matters, lean on your support system, and give yourself grace—you can live your values both inside and outside your home.

And maybe even enjoy the journey.